Hints from the team

Weekly relationship hints to help you make your girlfriend or wife ridiculously happy.

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How to give your girlfriend or wife an amazing massage

In these tough economic times, your gifts should be creative. Instead of splurging on that new 60 foot-yacht, try a massage. Never mind the fact that it’s an easy excuse to get her in bed and smother her with oil.

Giving a massage is surprisingly straight forward, read on…

Step 0 Put a (relatively) clean sheet on your bed or massage table.

Step 1 Get her to undress, slowly, and lie on her stomach. OK, you’re done, have fun.

Just kidding, but if you got this far, you’ve already succeeded. Put a pillow under her feet and one under her stomach.

Step 3 Pick a lubricant, something like baby oil will do the trick, so will sunflower or peanut oil. (Olive Oil on the other hand, will not).

Step 4 Using your thumbs and fingertips, you’re going to work the body in this order:
Start at the upper neck, then to the shoulders and upper back (applying pressure along the shoulder blades).

  • Move down her arms and to her hands.
  • Now return to the upper back and then down the sides of the back (this is the Latissimus Dorsi muscles and they help her stand up, so lots of work to be done).
  • Pit stop! It might be a good time to add some more lubricant.
  • Now move to the mid and then lower back (No, the ass is not “lower back”).
  • Then thigh, calf, and feet.

Make sure to keep your hands moving, and use your thumbs, moving them in circles and target the “fleshy” parts of the body (palms, the arch of her foot, large back muscles, etc.). A massage is like kneading bread dough, which you are surely familiar with, and no need to massage bones.

Don’t skimp on time, at least 20 minutes.

Step 5 Most importantly, communicate, ask her what feels good, what doesn’t, whether the pressure is okay, etc. Please kindly note, breast massages are not a legitimate form of massage.

If this is a bit unclear, or is simply too much text for you, take a look at this video.

One day, when you are ready young grasshopper, we will explain foot massages, one day…

P.S. If you opt-out of the massage and go for the yacht, make sure to invite your girlfriend’s friends who might look like (NSFW) this.