A guest writer presents an uncommon guide to unbelievable sex, 3 star michelin meals and becoming the most fascinating boyfriend alive.
Congratulations! The fact that you’re subscribed to this newsletter means you’re already amongst the global elite of aspiring boyfriends. So, you want to be even more amazing, more daring, more fascinating, get ready. Believe it or not, it only takes 4 hours. In just over the length of your average beer-soaked football watch-a-thon, you will be amongst the greatest boyfriends in the world. Suck up that fresh air and get ready to rock & roll. Welcome, to the 4 hour boyfriend.
Listen: I was once just like you — weak, pathetic, and drinking alone. I was a lonely turd spiraling down the toilet of life. Now I’m the most successful boyfriend in the fucking cosmos. Wake up! You can’t even imagine how amazing my life is. Knock knock. Who’s there? Oh hey look it’s me, earlier this morning, eating foie gras off the flawless naked body of my nineteen-year-old Brazilian supermodel girlfriend. Fact: I can literally produce more semen in ten seconds than a pack of adult wild boars can in ten years. I’ll let that sink in for a second — okay time’s up! Here’s a true story: I’m writing this from a Bavarian castle right now while my butler shines my $15,000 shoes. How did I get this awesome? Was it because I went to “boyfriend school” or obtained a “girlfriend”? Get real!
Here’s what I want you to do: Take everything you thought you knew about becoming a boyfriend and write it down on a piece of paper. Now, crumple up that piece of paper and stuff that bad boy all the way down your throat until you can’t breathe. Find the nearest mirror. Are you turning blue yet? Okay pull that shit out before you die. You’re welcome — I just saved your life; now shut up and pay attention because here come the three rules of the 4-Hour Boyfriend.
1. Fermented Cod Liver Oil. I inject 16 ounces of fermented cod liver oil (FCLO) directly into my brain every day — and that’s just before breakfast (which consists of two almonds and a large capsule of fermented cod liver oil). There is no limit to how much FCLO you can take, but the more the better. A healthy dose of this stuff to your central nervous system, along with a solid intake of human chorionic gonadotropin and your daily bloodlettings, and you’ll be ready for anything — from 12-hour tantric sex marathons to cagefighting rabid silverback gorillas to using that little mirror to check for cavities.
2. Reality. This is the most important step for the 4-Hour Boyfriend. Several years ago, I was snowboarding down Mount Everest after giving Bono singing lessons when I struck a tree and died instantly on impact. At first I just laid there, totally dead, a complete loser. Then something occurred to me: Being dead sucks! I’d totally rather be having wolverine sex with the entire cast of 7th Heaven circa 1997. Bam! It happened. Moral of this fucking awesome story? Success comes to those who force reality to bend to their will. Objectivity is subjective, and the laws of science are for victims. You’re not a boyfriend until you determine that you are a boyfriend. Visualize your girlfriend; smell those 18 course meals; grab your beautiful young woman and give her the most epic orgasm of her life. It’s all already happening!
3. Drugs. I find that taking extreme amounts of assorted drugs on a daily basis is a must. Now that you know the rules, give yourself a pat on the back and locate your local soft rock station; you’re a boyfriend!
Post taken from 4 hour dentist (with permission), which is a parody of Tim Ferris' books 4 Hour Work Week and The 4-Hour Body: An Uncommon Guide to Rapid Fat-Loss, Incredible Sex, and Becoming Superhuman.